Foster Parenting at the Holidays

christmas-tree-1110949_1280That period of time between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day is both exciting and hectic for most families. In a period of a little more than a month we may attend many social gatherings and indulge in a variety of seasonal pleasures.

This time can also be overwhelming for children, and particular for foster children. For young people in foster care, the holidays can stir up some difficult memories and conflicted feelings. There are things you can do to make it easier for them.

Try to include some of her favorite things: Ask your foster youth if there is a special food that she would like as part of a holiday meal and ask her to help you prepare it. Try to include rituals that are important to her in your celebration. Help her talk about her previous holidays and the people she celebrated with.

Anticipate mixed feelings: For many foster children the holidays stir up feelings of sadness and grief. It may be a time when she misses or worries about members of her birth family and previous caretakers. Acknowledge her mixed feelings and help her talk about her worries. Let her know that you understand that sometimes she may need a break from all of the festivities. Ask her what would help her when she is feeling out of sorts. To the extent possible support her contact with birth family members and other important people in her life.

Prepare her for meeting new people: At the holidays we sometimes see people that we rarely see at other times of year. Chances are, these people will be new to your foster child. She may be anxious about meeting new people and sharing her story. Remind her that she is not obligated to share her story. And ask her how she would like you to introduce her. Give her some options to choose from, like foster child or friend. Make sure that she knows who is coming and what their connection is to your family.

Gifts can be a mixed blessing: Like every child, your foster child will look forward to getting gifts and, if asked, will probably have a long list of what she wants. Remember that if her previous holidays have been sparse, she may find a large number of presents overwhelming. She may feel guilty about having gifts when she fears that her siblings may be doing without. Ask her what previous holidays have been like for her. Let her tell you about a special gift she received in the past. Try to keep the focus of celebration less on gifts and more on sharing time with others.

Create new memories:  The holidays will create memories your foster child will always have. Help her participate in meaningful rituals at your place of worship or in your community. If you volunteer to help others, find a way for her to participate. If you have a Christmas tree, let her make a special ornament with her name on it. And when the holidays are over, let her see you pack it away and let her know that you will treasure it forever.

Most of all, be there for her this holiday season as she tries to navigate the many feelings that will inevitably arrive. Your caring time and attention is the best gift you can give her, at the holidays and throughout the year.

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